Grief

On Monday, August 10, we found out Phillip is probably losing his new kidney. Just typing that sentence fills me with a grief and anxiety I can’t even begin to describe. It’s been a very long past six months. It’s had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, and all the freaking in-betweens. It’s been…kind of crazy. Exhausting. Exhilarating. A roller coaster ride. For the past few weeks we’ve had a bad feeling. Part of that was because his creatinine was higher than it should have been, but he was also getting nauseated and feeling fatigued much more …

Keep reading

Beyond the Kidney Transplant

I want to take a moment to talk about the things that can happen beyond dialysis and a kidney transplant. For a lot of people (I would say most), kidney transplants go pretty smoothly. They get their new kidney and suddenly they just feel better. They have all this energy, there are no longer any dietary restrictions, they can drink as much water as they like (when you’re on dialysis you’re limited on how much water you can drink because your body isn’t getting rid of the excess fluid like it normally would, and this is bad for the heart). …

Keep reading

On Being the Wife of a Transplant Recipient

So, the kidney transplant happened. On January 20, 2015, my husband received a kidney from his cousin, Alicia. Eight days later we celebrated our third wedding anniversary. It was the best one yet. Needless to say, the beginning of 2015 has been quite busy (but in a good way). And now, almost two weeks later, we’re still adjusting, although it’s been a fairly easy adjustment all things considered, and it’s much better than the alternative (dialysis or, y’know, death). Mostly I feel relieved and grateful. I mean, right now the kidney’s working great and it looks like I’m going to …

Keep reading

Listen to Your Body

“Listen to your body.” It’s something we’re told as we get older, to listen to our body, because it’ll tell us what it needs, if there’s something wrong, etc. Some of us are admittedly much better at listening to our bodies than others. When I gained 20 pounds in three weeks last July, I should have listened to my body and known something was wrong. When I continued to gain weight even with exercise and eating adequately, I should have listened to my body. When I first noticed that I couldn’t remember when the last time was I wasn’t so. …

Keep reading

I haven’t had him long enough

My husband almost died a couple of weeks ago. Okay, so it wouldn’t have happened two weeks ago. It probably wouldn’t have happened this coming week. But it would have happened eventually, and much sooner than either of us would have liked (as in, according to the nephrologist, probably within a few months). I’ve mentioned before here that Phillip’s been sick for a while–since Thanksgiving of 2013, to be exact. Or, rather, that’s when he got REALLY sick. Looking back, we can actually begin to see when symptoms started to pop up, they were just erratic and had no rhyme …

Keep reading

The Body Enemy

I’ve long viewed my body as “the enemy.” It started as a child, to be fair, when I was basically told that the things that were happening to me were my fault. I’d never asked for those things to happen, but since they were happening to my body, childish logic deducts that it’s the body’s fault. The body is the enemy. I’ve written before that that’s when my struggle with food, disordered eating and weight began. It was both a survival mechanism, a stress response and a coping mechanism. And there is nothing wrong with that. Nothing. I was a …

Keep reading

Trapped

There are times when I feel trapped in my own mind and body, like I’m a prisoner and some other force or being or…whatever…has taken over. Like, logically I know things and I think and believe certain things, but my brain and/or body seem to conspire against me. Anyone who’s ever struggled with depression, anxiety, disordered eating, etc. probably understands what I’m talking about. I can’t tell you how long I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, but it seems like my entire life. Even though I have recollections of being a fairly happy kid, I also remember being a “moody” …

Keep reading

Boxes

Society likes for us to fit into little boxes. I don’t know anyone who would necessarily disagree with that. The issue, though, is that for the most part we don’t actually fit into those little boxes, at least not all the time. I’ve been thinking about boxes a lot the past few weeks, for various and sundry reasons, mainly because I don’t really fit into any box. I guess literally and figuratively. This past week, though, has just not been a good place for me mentally or emotionally, and part of that goes back to this whole fitting (or not) …

Keep reading

On being fat, double standards, and shame

So yesterday The Daily Caller posted an article called “Adam Carolla slams left’s fat girl double standard.” For some reason I clicked through and read the article, even though I had a feeling it was one that would tick me off. And tick me off it did. Not because there isn’t a double standard, because there is. In that regard, I agree with Carolla whole heartedly. What pissed me off was the idea that people are fat because they’re lazy or want to be fat, especially women. And then–this was the kicker: Guest co-host Gina Grad jumped in to say …

Keep reading

Catching Up

So Phillip’s been asking for a blog here. Apparently my blogs about writing over at my author website bore him. 😉 (Shameless plug, yes.) The problem is that I haven’t had much to say over here. Or, rather, I’ve been busy with work and working on getting my author site established, indie publishing, writing, life, etc. that I haven’t had much time to write something over here. So I guess now’s as good a time as any for catching up. Funnily, my last post provides a pretty decent jumping off point. In that post, I talked about gutting it out, …

Keep reading